My Experience at a Residential Center

My Experience at a Residential Center- 

I have been thinking a lot about when I was at a residential center. I will say the name of the center, because this place helped me SO much and gave me a lot of happiness even though I was away from home, meeting new people, and having to conquer my eating disorder (which are all pretty scary and anxiety provoking for me.) 

In December 2015, I was admitted to Rosewood a few days after my second time in the medical part of Nicklaus Children's Hospital. This children's hospitals staff did want the best for me, but I do not plan on going back to the hospital anytime soon! But, back to Rosewood. 

Rosewood Centers for Eating Disorder, has a few different locations. One being in California, and three being in Arizona. I was not in the Rosewood Capri centers, but Rosewood Ranch, where there are inpatient hospitalization or residential care. Both of these kinds of care mean, you stay at either the adult location or adolescent location, both in walking distance from each other. I was in the adolescent location, where I met others around my age who were different in personality, had different stories, but all could relate on at least one thing. We all suffered from an eating disorder.

I am usually very shy and anxious about sharing things or making jokes, especially with other kids. Also, talking to teenage boys was such a trigger, because of past trauma. But, you basically had to talk to someone when therapist weren't around and during meals and snacks the techs will see who isn't talking or socializing, which is an EDB (isolation.) 

Soon, I started becoming everyone's younger sister. I was the youngest of everybody and when my true personality and joy came out of that hole it had been in, I was probably one of the loudest and most talkative. I grew to look up to my roommate, who was like the older sister I never had. (If this person is reading this, 'It's a Miami thing!') 

The therapists and nutritionist are very informative and really care about the patients. The groups helped a lot, as well as equine therapy. The techs are with you all day, and it was  fun laughing with them and New Years was also an awesome night. Even though I got into some trouble for joking around too much....

Of course, it was hard to eat meals and really just socialize at first, and 2 times I did not eat dinner, but the positives overweigh the negatives. 

Also, Rosewood does have an alumni, who check up on you to see how you are, so you have more support. Before you leave, you get an aftercare plan, whether IOP, or PHP. Sadly, my PHP program was not a good experience, but that's a whole different story. But, I had the skills I learned from Rosewood to help me get through the very negative times at this certain PHP. 

Rosewood Ranch saved me! 
      

Knowing When You Have Lapsed, or Instead Relapsed- 

With eating disorders, your urges to engage in ED actions will increase with certain triggers or events going on. If being around a lot of people results in you restricting, purging, or binging, then you can see that this occurrence is a trigger for you. Then, you might slip up and for a short period of time, a meal, a snack, or a day, you act on EDB's (eating disorder behaviors.) 

This time of engaging in those behaviors would be a lapse in recovery. You end up screwing up for a short while, but after this lapse you gather your inner thoughts up, debunk those thoughts of doing EDB's, and go back to the correct path. This path being recovery. 

A relapse is when something changes. You may not even think to much about the change, but something happens, where thoughts of being happy with yourself and eating your meals and being healthy, switch. You think so much about the positives of ultimately making yourself sick and unhappy, that you say," F' it. This way of binging, purging, or restricting, will help me feel better. I will start doing that again." 

This way of thinking gets you into a relapse, where you do those behaviors for a long time, or until someone or something changes in that way of thinking. This relapse were you don't bounce back into a positive and rational state of mind is a relapse. 

I know relapse very well. I have done this many of times, and it is so detramental that you go back to recovery, ask for help, or someone stops you from this deadly action.

Think of a lapse as a normal part of recovery. You can mess up for a short time, control those horrible thoughts and actions, and go back to real happiness. Relapse is what you have to be careful with. By going by this definition from google, "return to (a less active or a worse state)," you are getting lost. No control, no rationality, and if continues, no real happiness again. 


So by reading this I hope you learned the difference by lapsing and relapsing. If you are going through a relapse, get help, and also if you are going through a time of lapsing, talk to someone you know and trust well. Express all the thoughts going through your head. 


Stay strong, 

Alexis

How to get through meals-

How to get through meals- 

First, I'd like to make it noted that I am not a professional in psychology, psychiatry, or nutrition. I am instead an anorexia teen that can make it through some days without a slip up (eating wise) and other days, where all I can think of is calories and limiting to 1,300 a day. This number may be healthy to older people, who have slow metabolic rates, but not me. This post, blog, and website, is to share some of the insight that I have on eating disorder recovery, because after multiple different treatment centers, I have learned a lot of helpful, and not so helpful, skills. 

So, when you stare at a plate of food during meal time, thoughts of EDB's, eating disorder behaviors/urges, may go through your head. "Separate the food!" "Eat slow." "Spit bites out." And for my the most loud voice, "Don't touch you lips to that fork!" All of these serve a function, whether it be control, for 'happiness', for that perfect body so you can be 'happy.' Well, none of that is TRULY possible. You are slowly losing yourself in an addiction, that can kill you. That is not happiness or control. That happiness of being pretty and thin, well that never comes around. It is never good enough, so instead of wasting your time and effort you have to eat. 

Eat for your health, friends, family, a career, happiness, and life. And if that doesn't seem good enough for you in that moment, don't think at all. Simply just eat, but don't bing or purge after or during. Do one simple function and eat. 

Another helpful tool is eating with someone you love and trust. Talk about other things that food or your body. Talk about happy things or things you want to do today or have done. Be in the moment, it can be from talking, watching tv, or listening to music. Whatever it takes for you to put the food in your lips and sallow an adequate amount. You know whats right for you, food is love for your body. It needs it to stay warm and function well. 

Think about these things and give them a try. I know that they help me whenever I need that push in the right direction. 

With love, Alexis

The Accepting...

The Accepting-

After being in treatment centers, hospitals, IOP, day-patient care from November 2015 - March 2016, I've gone through the 12 step program, but feel as though I must go over the first step again.

Lately, I have been falling back into restricting and not knowing exactly how to get out of it. I'm now on a new meal plan to gain weight, which is hard to accept. I have to accept that I am suffering from this disease, it has controlled me for most of my life, even if I did not notice at first. I am accepting that right now I need help. I need that push to drink 2 ensure pluses a day, along with 3 meal, high carbs, high fats, and sugar.

Yesterday, I was angry and sad and felt like this just was not real. I could not be underweight. Not aging accordingly and feeling cold is fine and I'm not that cold, I'm not this ill. But, I am. I am not the large weight I see in the mirror, I am only seeing what Anna has me seeing. I am under this tight control, but later last night I opened up about what I am seeing, feeling, and thinking to my mother. I take this opening as a sign of acceptance.

Accepting that you are under any kind of disorders control is vital. I am now accepting that I am sick, I am boney, and ill. But, I will soon over come. I will go full first. My body is my temple. By counting calories, fats, carbs, sugar, or whatever, is just hurting me. I will accept that this and I feel like this step should be accepted by all.

Now I have the other 11 steps to go through....