The Accepting...

The Accepting-

After being in treatment centers, hospitals, IOP, day-patient care from November 2015 - March 2016, I've gone through the 12 step program, but feel as though I must go over the first step again.

Lately, I have been falling back into restricting and not knowing exactly how to get out of it. I'm now on a new meal plan to gain weight, which is hard to accept. I have to accept that I am suffering from this disease, it has controlled me for most of my life, even if I did not notice at first. I am accepting that right now I need help. I need that push to drink 2 ensure pluses a day, along with 3 meal, high carbs, high fats, and sugar.

Yesterday, I was angry and sad and felt like this just was not real. I could not be underweight. Not aging accordingly and feeling cold is fine and I'm not that cold, I'm not this ill. But, I am. I am not the large weight I see in the mirror, I am only seeing what Anna has me seeing. I am under this tight control, but later last night I opened up about what I am seeing, feeling, and thinking to my mother. I take this opening as a sign of acceptance.

Accepting that you are under any kind of disorders control is vital. I am now accepting that I am sick, I am boney, and ill. But, I will soon over come. I will go full first. My body is my temple. By counting calories, fats, carbs, sugar, or whatever, is just hurting me. I will accept that this and I feel like this step should be accepted by all.

Now I have the other 11 steps to go through....